...And God Stepped In!

 I will cry to God with my voice, even to God with my voice, and He will give ear and hearken to me.

 In the day of my trouble I seek (inquire of and desperately require) the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out [in prayer] without slacking up; I refuse to be comforted 

                              --Psalm 77:1-2 

“When people ask me ‘Are you okay?’ I say ‘Yeah, just tired.

Yeah...tired of trying...tired of breathing...tired of hoping..

Tired of believing that things will be alright...tired of

living...I’m...just...done…”

These words were written by my 12-year-old daughter. I came

across them one day while looking through her backpack helping her search for her phone. There are many types of phone calls we as parents, especially as mothers, aren’t prepared to receive. The day I received a call from my daughter’s English teacher telling me how she had taken apart a pencil sharpener and used the blade to cut her skin was the day my life took yet another unexpected turn in a direction I never wanted to go. It is one thing to share my ink covered scars, a thing that as most anyone who knows me knows was not easy to do. It is quite another to sit here and write about my daughter, my beautiful 12-year-old daughter whose artwork graces every form of social media known to man, whose smile lights up every room of my heart and whose laughter is contagious. My daughter, whose spirit is as fierce as it is gentle, speaking up for people and issues deemed by the world to be misfits, outcasts, and marginalized. My precious daughter whose arms and legs and only God knows where else on her body bear the scars of a heart and soul bearing even deeper scars.

I’ve attempted to do “all the right things” since receiving that phone call. Conversations with the school counselors, doctor appointments, med reviews to find the “right” formula for her, sit-downs with the staff at her school, even going so far as to stalk her phone, learning through her texts that

my precious child was planning to take her life the week before Christmas, And while I have yet to see fresh scars on her I hold pages from her sketchbook containing her blood underneath sketches and words, her self-loathing and hopelessness etched in every fiber.  

It’s very difficult as her mother to not take all of this to my heart and I can’t say with truthfulness that I haven’t. I’ve questioned myself daily. Sometimes I still do. I ask myself how I missed what my daughter was going through, how could I not see it right there in front of me. I’ve asked what it was I

did or didn’t do, have I been a godly enough example not just for her but for her brothers as well. Have I been more than just a “good enough” mother?

It's funny how with every dream and vision God births in us the enemy too has a vision of his own, albeit a distorted vision, and with that he attempts to kill these things in their infancy. We saw it in the days of Moses when Pharaoh ordered the slaughter of the Hebrew babies out of fear of a potential uprising as the Hebrew people far outnumbered those of Egypt. We saw it again when the Magi warned Joseph and Mary to take then baby Jesus and leave, that Herod the Great was seeking the child in order to destroy Him and indeed once again the slaughtering of the innocents was ordered. Now here we are, four months into 2019, and I am not even going to get started on the madness and chaos that is seeking to take out our children in one form or another but it's out there and it's seeking to take no prisoners.

The truth of the matter is I am doing everything humanly possible for my daughter but, as I have come to learn throughmy own what I call “paper tiger” days, is this is one of those

things outside my realm of control which is a bit unnerving.There is still that crippling sense of loneliness and isolation,bringing me face to face with my own masks of self-righteousness, holy hypocrisy, and misguided piety. Each day is a battle of sorts. Each day I fight. Each day I find joy Because of the anchor (Hebrews 6:19) that has held me, letting me know I’m not in this fight alone. I still have moments when I hurt so bad I feel as though my skin was about to break and when I do that is when some beautiful ladies have loved me. They stand with me. Their prayers cover me. Their tears fall with mine. When it is called for, coffee dates and a whole lot of laughter follow. These ladies’ love and devotion to Christ, their willingness to be used by Him in such a tangible manner has been my anchor, unexpected, a sweet surprise. These ladies’ examples has served as a living witness of what being the nuts and bolts, the hands and feet of Jesus, breathing life into the words of the Apostle James--"Faith without works isdead." (James 2:17, paraphrase mine)

I wish I could say I no longer feel the darkness or the dragon breathing over my shoulder or that of my daughter’s but the truth is, both are there. I fight for us both. I fight through prayer and I have learned to pray my way through the day, many days barely finding the strength to muster the words "Help me!" I fight with Scripture, sometimes through reading and other times through CDs/DVDs. If I feel hungry I go to my fridge and find something to sustain me. The Word sustains my mind as well as my soul. I fight through activity, finding something to do either with my hands or, when the weather and my aging knees will allow, going for walks (something, I am sad to say has been an all too infrequent occurrence as of late).

The Psalmist knew of these kinds of fights. He was faced with his own "paper tiger" days and the Psalms are a beautifully raw showing of these days. Like me, he found himself fighting on a regular basis, fighting an enemy greater than himself who knew his heart was for God and sought to take him down at any cost. He too felt loneliness, isolation, and despair. He too grew weary and depleted to the point of exhaustion. But look at what the rest of Psalm 77 has to say:

"I [earnestly] remember God; I am disquieted and I groan; I muse in prayer, and my spirit faints [overwhelmed]. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

4 You hold my eyes from closing; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. 5 I consider the days of old, the years of bygone times [of prosperity]. 6 I call to remembrance my song in the night; with my heart I meditate and my spirit searches diligently: 7 Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more? 8 Have His mercy and loving-kindness ceased forever? Have His promises ended for all time? 9 Has God [deliberately] abandoned or forgotten His graciousness? Has He in anger shut up His compassion? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! 10 And I say, This [apparent desertion of Israel by God] is my appointed lot and trial, but I will recall the years of the right hand of the Most High [in loving-kindness extended toward us], for this is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High changes. 11 I will [earnestly] recall the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will [earnestly] remember the wonders [You performed for our fathers] of old. 12 I will meditate also upon all Your works and consider all Your [mighty] deeds.13 Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary [in holiness, away from sin and guilt]. Who is a great God like our God? 14 You are the God Who does wonders; You have demonstrated Your power among the peoples. 15 You have with Your [mighty] arm redeemed Your people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! 16 When the waters [at the Red Sea and the Jordan] saw You, O God, they were afraid; the deep shuddered also, for [all] the waters saw You.17 The clouds poured down water, the skies sent out a sound [of rumbling thunder]; Your arrows went forth [in forked lightning]. 18 The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind, the lightnings illumined the world; the earth trembled and shook. 19 Your way [in delivering Your people] was through the sea, and Your paths through the great waters, yet Your footsteps were not traceable, but were obliterated. 20 You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron."

Wow!

Pharaoh ordered the killing of the Hebrew babies...and God stepped in and raised up a deliverer...Moses!

King Herod ordered the killing of baby boys newborn to the age of 2...and God stepped in and raised up a deliverer...Jesus!

And now today the enemy is seeking to destroy not only my daughter but all those who put their faith and trust in Him...and God is stepping in and He will raise up our children! He will raise up our Deliverer! Christ has won! 

Pause...and calmly think of that!